Films Guys Should Avoid Like Abercrombie, Star Wars Edition

Recycling is good for the Earth, right? So it’s good, right, and beneficial for me to recycle my Rhetoric assignment for this week and submit it for your perusal. By the way, if you read this blog, why don’t you go ahead and LEAVE A COMMENT. OR SOMETHING. JUST TELL ME YOU’RE OUT THERE. It’s not especially fulfilling to write when the only guaranteed audience I have is the shadowy being that exists in the heart of cyberspace itself….

Each of us has a special place in our spleen for that one movie we just cannot stand. A move that is really truly bloody awful, the Platonic form of sucktastic movies. When we catch a glimpse of it on television, we want to claw out our eyeballs and use them to block our ears, while praying for God’s mercy, although this is difficult to do through the vomiting.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace is the film that depletes my gallbladder of its bile reserves. The plot is hapless and trite even by science-fiction standards. If the cast has talent, it is kept carefully hidden. The effects are juvenile. Anakin Skywalker is a hateful little pimple, and the Jedi are self-righteous, pompous turds. So many aspects of this film are godawful that it beggars belief. However, the real reason Phanton Menace is so frigging execrable is Jar-Jar Binks. Words fail to capture the utter depraved idiocy of this bonkers amphibian. I think he’s supposed to be comic relief, but I was crying too hard to tell for sure. If I ever met George Lucas, I would pat him on the back for the excellent original trilogy, and then I would shoot him in the kneecap for Jar-Jar Binks and The Phantom Menace.

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4 thoughts on “Films Guys Should Avoid Like Abercrombie, Star Wars Edition

  1. “LEAVE A COMMENT. OR SOMETHING. JUST TELL ME YOU’RE OUT THERE.”

    imouthere…

    You should get Zach the hipster to write something. You know, about art or Urban Outfitters.

  2. Just to let you know, I do read your blog when I see something new. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t mind The Phantom Menace, but I HATED Attack of the Clones.

  3. This made me laugh. So many funny descriptions! As much as I like Star Wars, Jar-Jar was truly awful, and was such a disgrace to the series. Anakin was annoying in this movie too. I think it’s funny how his mom gives him up to Qui-Gon so easily without even arguing. No wonder. Darth Maul redeemed the movie for me though.

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