Heartache and Hindsight

Medicine is sometimes really hard to take. When I had pseudo-pneumonia for more than three weeks, taking cough syrup every 6 hours was almost unbearable. The only things worse, in fact, were the coughing fits I had when I didn’t take the medicine.

Not every medicine is a tablet or a syrup you have to choke down. God is the great physician, and He is working constantly for the good of those He loves. He disciplines us, and tests us. He gives us medicine in the form of experience, hindsight, and answered prayers.

Well, I’m on a dose of that divine prescription right now. And it’s not feeling too great. But as with cough syrup, I know I’ll get a little bit better, or be a slightly better person, on the other side.

Occasionally, we do something with very little selfish intent. More commonly, selfishness is deeply involved. Who knows? Maybe it’s the only motivation. This little episode was one of the latter kind of stories.

I acted selfishly and I started something that I wasn’t prepared to follow up on. There was a vast gulf between us, and it wasn’t just distance. Still, selfishly, I let my feelings take control.

——

Six weeks later, it fizzled. And I was angry. And you got angry. And you were right to be. It was sweet of you to deny that it was my fault, but let me tell you, sister, it was. And I’m sorry. And in hindsight, it all seems clear to me. In hindsight, I can see what a complete selfish pimple I was. I know you shared my feelings, but that doesn’t make it right. Feelings aren’t what rules the universe (more on the true Ruler in a minute).

So I wish you the best. And I hope we won’t lose the friendship we’ve built over almost two years because of my selfishness. I will pray for you as I have been for a long time now.

——

So now I’m moping, and I’m thinking, and I’m praying. That’s my medicine. In a speech I heard on Friday, a pastor urged us to rid ourselves from bitterness. “The LORD disciplines those whom He loves.” He is the teacher, the Bible is the curriculum, and life is the test. There is no Curve. He is a doctor, we are the patients, sin is the disease, the tests and trials of this life are the medicine.

So thanks for the trial, the medicine. Thanks for making me see my past with eyes of truth. Please forgive me. Let me forget myself and put on Christ. Open my eyes so that my every action pleases your eyes, Lord. Amen.

P.S. Ver est in aere! (For my non-Latin-speaking friends: Spring is in the air!)

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One thought on “Heartache and Hindsight

  1. wanted to let you know that I am quite impressed that you posted this. You’re perspective is great along with the analogy of the cough syrup–disgusting stuff! I have been going through some of the same things (friday’s disputatio was awesome). way to go.

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